i love accidental penises.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
