I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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