Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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