im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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