It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
