Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize