I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
