FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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