Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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