Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
