I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
