Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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