You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
