i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
