I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize