I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
