For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
