'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize