booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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