shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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