You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
