My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
