This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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