this boner is exhausting
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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