There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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