WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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