remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
