just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
