Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
