his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
