your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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