So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
