I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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