I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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