I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
