I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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