Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
