zippers are such a cool invention
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I supernannyed him into submission
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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