You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
