Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
