I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
