I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
