You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
