I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
