I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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