i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
