I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
