i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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