apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize