Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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