Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
