Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
