I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize