Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
