im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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