Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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