please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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