she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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