hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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